Where Have I Been?
Where Have I Been?
I guess you could say it all started this spring….
To summarize a year of chaos and beautifully complex memories is not possible but hey here is my attempt...
After months of planning and scrambling, I loaded my dog and favorite belongings into a half converted, non-insulated shuttle bus and hit the road out west. With little to no experience living out of a vehicle, it was certainly a learning curve that left little room for social media but plenty of room for growth. We endured the heatwave, thunderstorms, high winds, and plenty of laughter. Tansy, my dog, grew as much as an individual as I did. It’s incredibly hard to face your fears, animal and human alike. Countless nights were spent combing through her fur and gazing into the limitless galaxy of stars above us.
The first stop on our adventure was Denver Colorado, where my first vendor event was taking place the first weekend of June. It was downtown in a park, which brought in tons of foot traffic. I had only spent a few days in Denver many months prior and had a bittersweet experience with the area so I was intrigued to return. With a handful of events lined up around the state of Colorado spread out from Denver to Colorado Springs and over to Crested Butte, all spanning out until September, this was my first official adventure.
I spent my off days adventuring with teetering phone service, simply absorbing the environment I was surrounded in. I hiked easy trails and explored waterways with Tansy. Hours were spent examining our footprints for mushrooms and small bugs. One of my favorite feelings became just sitting in the cool morning air, throwing sticks for Tansy into the foggy distance while the smell of my french press danced around me and the sound of birds wishing us well.
Although I was only working events on the weekends - Saturdays and Sundays at that - I quickly realized I still found my soul worn with exhaustion. It didn’t seem to matter how busy or slow my week was, I was still greeted with an uncontrollable weight...
The weight of losing my dad along with other loved ones, in such life-altering circumstances amidst a global pandemic had finally collapsed on me.
I had been distracted for the last year being so strong for everyone else that I had not given myself the time to value my own softness
The time to breathe, and find acceptance of that.
I had focused on being what other people need to feel okay, not how to actually feel okay myself. There had been so many expectations of how to act and feel that I hadn't just figured out how to move forward…
I had given myself time to feel the big things and suffer the growing pains but I had not respected the fact I needed time to feel comfortable in my new mold.
That realization alone untied a knot I had been keeping on my shoulders.
Once you grow you need time to settle into that growth…
I used to get bored in silence, restless, and in need of something to do once enough time had passed….until this summer. I found peace in silence, I realized how much I still had to absorb and process. That there wasn't enough silence and alone time in the world to give me what felt like a “break”.
I realized that although I felt “okay” and that I was not actively sad or engulfed in an issue...I still felt empty and that was okay because I realized all I need to feel complete…..is acceptance and patience
When something hurts us we spend so much time trying to feel better once we no longer feel “bad” that we forget about the soft vulnerability that comes in between.
There is a limbo or stage of growth/grief that I learned to call “solidification” throughout the summer months. It is the period of time when you have moved past the pain and found acceptance but still need time before you can be comfortable in your new reality.
It is a form of rebirth that comes after the growing pains that allow us to “fill in” to our new way of being.
This was not something I had cut myself slack on or even acknowledged. This summer allowed me to push my comfort zone without pushing me into uncomfortable waters because the truth is, I AM what’s uncomfortable right now and that's okay. My soul just experienced a year of growing pains and shifting and it does take time to find internal comfort in that new mold.
I explored new areas, introduced myself to all kinds of people, and did countless incredible things. I was living what one would call the dream….but the point of this is not to talk about my physical accomplishments but of my emotional accomplishments that came from doing a bunch of absolutely nothing.
I spent significantly more time doing “nothing” than I did doing “something” because, in my reality, it took a lot of emotional work to do “nothing” and doing nothing is where most of my success actually came from...
My soul was elated when I hiked my first 14er this summer with Tansy and my partner - the sense of accomplishment we felt when we looked back where we had come is something I continuously strive for. The feeling you get when you accomplish something big, something hard and daunting is indescribable. We reached the bottom with my feet smoking from a friction fire, my legs weightless from the miles, Tansy’s tongue dragging the ground, and a sense of pride that could carry us for miles more. However, this feeling does not compare to the sense of emotional accomplishment I ended the adventure with.
The level of soul elation that comes from allowing yourself to FEEL is so much greater than that of any “thing” I did this summer.
I focused on me, my dog, and the relationship I have with the world around me. I spent full days outside listening to music, journaling, reading books, floating on the lake, and cuddling with my dog. I didn’t need to be “active” every day to have an unbelievably productive summer...I became my own support system.
I learned how to reach the point of stir crazy and how to find comfort in that time.
(Not to say I don’t have an incredible team of loved ones in my corner..you know who you are and I love you all so dearly<3)
I grew as a person more this summer than any other time, due to a LACK of trauma and pain.
The growth came from the stagnant, from the peace, and from the stillness, not from the chaos.
The shortest answer to the question is: oh she spent the summer out in Colorado, which is entirely true. I could say that I went radio silent due to the surplus of activities I was doing, but the reality is I went silent in order to find even more silence….